Are You Hot? The Answer Is No

If I said to you, “Are You Hot? sucked,” I doubt you’d disagree with me. What’s even more sad about this show’s concept is that it wasn’t even original. Shock Jock Howard Stern has been doing “evaluations” of women who come to him to assess their chances of getting a Playboy spread for years. Even Howard tends to take it easy on the women, who rarely are of the stuff that Playboy would utilize. He’s honest, however he’s not necessarily encouraging – but he’s at least constructive.

Meanwhile, a former producer of the Howard Stern show plugged the idea to ABC (down to the laser pointer) and Are You Hot? was born. A lawsuit soon followed, but if Howard watched the show long enough, he would have known that Are You Hot? was doomed and not worth worrying about (the suit was ultimately settled for an undisclosed amount of money after Are You Hot? was cancelled. Further evidence that ABC was anxious to make the show a repressed memory!).

Actually, Are You Hot? was a hybrid of the Howard bit and the myriad of websites that ask us to “rate” the attractiveness of the individual pictured. Generally, those sites are made up of photos supplied by “friends” of college students, and the moment captured for prosperity is not their most photogenic. Then the ratings become more of a gage of popularity. Unless someone in mid-barf is irresistibly sexy to a segment of our population!

So, we have a show. Line up three judges: Lorenzo Lamas, star of Falcon Crest (to date, his crowning achievement, some 15 years ago); Rachel Hunter, whose most significant achievement was to marry Rod Stewart; and Randolph Duke, who has reduced scores of models to diets of Velamints. Grab some attractive people and let’s prepare to humiliate!

Are You Hot? purported to recruit the most attractive people in America by breaking them down to regions. Each hopeful marched out under a neon sign that would flash “Hot” or “Not.” This was half the show! The other half involved the judges doing their best Simon Cowells judging... um, we’re not really sure. They weren’t either. The critiques were woefully inconsistent. Somehow, four male and female winners were determined from each region and they advanced to receive more vague and incongruous judging.

The lowest points came courtesy of the Not Hot. Some contestants looked like they were struggling to understand what could possibly be wrong with their beauty. Others looked shocked and appalled that their beauty was challenged! And, still, there were others who should have been put on an immediate suicide watch from the way the behaved. Wounded. Damaged. Destroyed. Even the men! One poor woman, snot running, just wailed uncontrollably and incomprehensibly. You just wanted to slap her. But, she sort of spoke to the inherent problem with Are You Hot?

The show was never going to get truly “hot” people. At worst, the contestants were those who staked the very value of their existences on how beautiful they were, or not. These are women who were used to getting free drinks at the bar, flirting their way out of speeding tickets. The men were the guys who strutted around in tight t-shirts in the gym, spending all day on a machine when they knew folks were waiting, gleefully counting the notches in their bedposts. Challenge that beauty and they are lost! It was all they had! Are they attractive? Maybe. Are they truly hot? Nuh-uh.

At best, these were men and women who were willing to cash in on the genetic lottery they won to get them somewhere based on their looks. Supposedly, ABC had plans for the winner, some sort of prizes valued over $100,000, though we haven‘t seen hide nor hair of Chantille Boudousque or David Maxwell, the female and male winners of the show. Many of the these contestants had more going for them than their looks, but they were willing to forego the things they worked for, the education and/or work experience they attained, and shoot for the gold with their looks. Is it me or is that shallow?

Did the contestants deserve what they got? Was Are You Hot? sending a satirical message that those who try to achieve based on their looks are doomed to humiliation? Hell, no. There was nothing remotely intellectual about Are You Hot?

We could go on for days about whether the chicken or the egg came first. Did the media create this shallowness, or was this shallowness too sexy for the media to ignore? But I would say anyone who goes on a show to be told whether or not they are pretty has bigger problems than hair mousse can fix. Are You Hot? was all too willing to swallow up these people and spit them out for the “entertainment value” of America. Well, we weren’t entertained. In fact, the show won the award for “Worst Reality Show (Competitive)” in the 2003 Reality TV Hall of Shame Awards. We were presented hollow shells of people to react to and we refused. There was no greater message. It was titillation at its most base. It was a show devoid of anything but the most carnal emotion. It was arrogantly exploitive even to its contestants. It was simply shameful, and its induction into the Hall of Shame is deeply, purely, richly deserved.

Sting7 has been a respected published writer for 16 years, as a music editor, entertainment critic, columnist, and interviewer. He also has a curious love for pro-wrestling! You can email Stinger at stingseven@yahoo.com.

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