Hall of Shame Moment: Vanilla Ice, Hypocritical Psychopath

For those of you who caught the second episode of The Surreal Life, was there any doubt in your mind that Vanilla Ice would soon be gracing the pages of The Reality TV Hall of Shame? Well, here he is with his very own Hall of Shame Moment, and it’s well deserved.

I hardly know where to begin. His behavior on Episode 2 would have qualified him for induction here for three separate incidents, so let’s look at them separately. Following each offending instance I will offer a little reality check in case Vanilla stops by this site looking for tips on improving his behavior. See? I am more than just the Shannen Doherty of reality television writers; I’m here to help. Before I start I would like to apologize for the terminology, but having watched him in action other words just fail me. To all the genuine psychotics in the reading audience – I mean no offense. I’m sure you are all lovely people. Please don’t hurt me.

Psychotic Break #1 – The Salt Incident

Vanilla is about to sit down to a breakfast of bacon and eggs he has prepared for himself. Sounds idyllic – it isn’t. He can’t find the salt, so he proceeds to vent his frustration over this by loudly freaking out and then he devises a solution. He’ll just break into the pantry that is off-limits to the cast. He takes what appears to be a knife and jimmys open the door, despite Erik’s pleas that he not vandalize the house. He breaks into the pantry and rummages around for the salt. Apparently breaking into a part of a home which was specifically locked in order to keep you out, to take what doesn’t belong to you in order to satisfy some passing need for seasoning, isn’t against his moral code. Oh, and while he was in there he was also hunting for some sugar, which begs a couple of questions: 1. What the hell did these people buy when they went grocery shopping the day before? And 2. Does he really act like he needs more sugar?

Reality Check: If you are shopping to stock a house, make a list so you remember to purchase everything you consider essential. Know that sometimes in life situations can be imperfect, so it is better to learn to let some things go even if it means eating the occasional unsalted egg.

Psychotic Break #2 – The Brownie Incident

The housemates bake brownies to take on their rounds to say hello to their new neighbors. Sounds benign – it isn’t. At the second house the neighbor isn’t receptive to strangers with a camera crew at her door offering chocolate and hospitality. She says something to the effect of not having time for celebrities and while none of the housemates are pleased with her rather terse, but understandable, response, Vanilla loses it once again. While walking away from her house and down the street he is shouting. His words were not only extremely loud but as ugly as I have witnessed on reality TV: "(inaudible) dick in her mouth! Whore! F**k her and the horse she rode in on! Stupid bitch! You don't like celebrities?! You live in Los Angeles, you stupid German bitch!" And he goes on to berate her for having an accent yet again. He isn't playing – he is seriously and frighteningly angry. Who does this?

Reality check: Not everyone you encounter in life will welcome the opportunity to stop what they’re doing to cater to you. Learning to handle that with a modicum of grace will serve you well. It’s a lot harder to get away with screaming obscenities when you aren’t being trailed by a camera crew. You might want to dial it down before you are confronted with the fact that many communities have laws on the books against disturbing the peace and public profanity.

Psychotic Break #3 – The Hypocritical Has-Been Incident

Here Vanilla proves once and for all that he is a tedious suck-monkey (thanking Buddy Seigal for the fitting phrase). Not only should his moment in the sun end now with being booted out of the house, but his previous 15 minutes of fame should be retroactively revoked. In the first episode of this season we saw Vanilla losing it over pictures of himself in his heyday which are part of a mural in the house. He scrawled red X’s through them in order to make the statement that this isn’t who he is and he hates any and all reminders of his previous image. Sounds crazy – it was.

He claims he is no longer the cheesy bubble-gum rapper famous for bad hairdos, baggy pants, and shamelessly stealing riffs from legitimate artists. Now he’s worse. The second episode he begins by commenting that he doesn’t like Gary Coleman’s involvement in this show as it gives it a certain cheese factor. He says this without a trace of irony. Come on, look who is on this show, he couldn’t smell the melting cheese long before Gary showed up? During their little sojourn at Mel’s Diner he proceeds to call Gary a girl while he bars his entrance to the men’s room. That’s classy enough in and of itself but that isn’t even the tip of the vanilla iceberg.