The Millionaire’s Wicked Wife – Donna Beavens from ‘The Real Gilligan’s Island’

Just then, Donna came storming into the hut (the temperature dropped 20 degrees) and had a hissy fit when she saw the ladies handling her boa. Apparently, it belongs to her daughter and she didn’t want it all ripped apart. After a tense discussion, millionaire Mindy produced a white boa from her trunk and said, “Don’t worry about it, girls, we can use this one. It’s prettier anyway.” Donna gave her the most evil eye ever in the history of reality TV. But the boa incident was over.

Or was it? Donna stormed out of the hut (raising the temperature by 20 degrees) and sat by the fire, fretting and fuming. After a while, she sent the remaining skipper into the hut to retrieve her boa. The ladies followed the skipper out of the hut to Donna and another argument erupted. Donna called everyone else a drama queen and noted, to the camera, that it was just like being in high school again.

Yes, I’ll bet it was.

Then, a few minutes later, we found Donna confronting Eric over the boa. Donna was now insisting that he wear it! But he was refusing to wear it because he might ruin it. Donna kept insisting and finally Eric agrees.

During the drag show, Donna told the camera that she very much disagrees with gays being able to flaunt themselves like that. Bill said that he was insulted that Eric wore his daughter’s boa and it made him sick. Apparently, Donna never got around to telling him about her insistence upon it.

And so the players retired to their respective huts. Glenn narrated a section where Donna couldn’t stop talking about the drag show. He said that she just went on and on and on. At one point she was complaining about people who want to have sex with snakes and dogs. “Not us normal people, of course,” she added. Everyone else in the hut just cocked their heads as if they didn’t quite hear her right. She concluded with the statement that they’ve proven that, if you are gay, there’s something really wrong with you.

Okay, whatever. So, it was the next day and time to save the professor. Donna insisted that, although they had their differences, she didn’t want their team to lose their professor (Eric). But to make a long story short, they did. Of course, Donna had to tell us that, if someone has to go, she was glad it was Eric.

But she made the most of the loss and told the other team that she wished they could have been as good sports about their loss as Donna’s team was being about their own. Her husband Bill showed a little backbone and told her that what she said wasn’t really nice. Donna nailed him right back by saying that he just stole away one of her awesome and genuine and nice moments. As he walked away, she called him immature. Yes, I typed that right.

The next day, as the castaways were standing around, Rachel produced a broomstick and everybody started laughing and insisting that it was an appropriate form of transportation for some nameless person – we all knew who they were talking about. Gilligan later said about her that she was like a bad case of hemorrhoids in that she just wouldn’t go away.

Later that day, the teams competed to save their own Mary Ann. Long story short, Donna’s team lost. Donna’s insisted that her team actually won. Nicole tried to put a good spin on it by saying that a small loss just means a bigger victory down the line. Donna agreed, because she said she was the only optimist around. Nicole got up and left, rather than press the issue. Donna kept yapping and yapping and eventually Gilligan Gooner left too. It was hard for anyone to be around her for more than five minutes.

Next up, Donna and Bill had face off against Glenn and Mindy. Before the competition, Donna was doing a lot of trash talking and seemed fairly confident. But anyone around her seemed to always find an excuse to get up and leave.

It started to rain and Mindy and Glenn luxuriated in the warm shower. Glenn hoped it would rain during the competition because then Donna would melt away – Mindy did a fine imitation of the Wicked Witch of the West, “I’m melting…”

Unfortunately, several of the castaways were almost literally starving to death. A few of the healthier members of the tribe scavenged some fruits from the nearby trees and offered to share them with the group. Rachel, who did the collecting, insisted that the starving members get a bigger share of the food.

Donna disagreed and thought that she should get first pick of the fruit. Rachel was shocked. “But these are your own teammates that need the food,” she said. Donna said that they do have some food, so she should then get what she wants. Later, the starving players ended up with the better food, but Donna was still yapping on and on. Gooner, who looked like a skeleton, handed Donna some of his food just to shut her up.

And so we finally arrived at the competition to see which team got to keep their millionaires (or, in the Beavens’ case, got to get rid of their millionaires). To once again make a long story short, Donna’s team lost a gross food type of challenge. Much to everyone’s relief, Donna and Bill were banished from the game – and from our TV sets.

In her closing comments, Donna insisted that Mindy had no class whatsoever. She said that eating all that nasty food was right up her alley. She said that, in her opinion, she and Bill were still the winners and sometimes the winners lose.

And with that, we ended the saga of one of the wickedest witches ever to appear on a reality show.

Donna Beavens was nasty, mean, bigoted, self-centered, hypocritical, childish, and pretty much just about any other negative description we could find. Nobody deserved to be stranded on an island with her. In fact, she deserves to be stranded on her own island. We can’t do that, but we can induct her into the Reality TV Hall of Shame.

Bill (bing@paxentertainment.com) is a reality fan from way back. His favorite reality show of all time is Cannonball Run 2001.

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