Defying Truth and Logic: Dustin “Screech” Diamond of Celebrity Fit Club: Men vs. Women

Dustin Diamond is no stranger to begging for attention. He played the same character (Samuel “Screech” Powers) throughout three related yet separate TV shows, beat up Ron “Horshack” Palillo on Celebrity Boxing, begged for money to save his house (which may or may not have been a hoax), and had a sex tape “leaked” on the Internet. Therefore, it should be no surprise that he agreed to participate on Celebrity Fit Club. What was more surprising (maybe) was just how badly Dustin attracted attention. So bad that I would only call him “Screech” because his persona on Fit Club was nothing but a ridiculous character.

I tried covering all of Screech’s transgressions episode by episode. I found it easier to just list each major shameful act and the major details. Please forgive me if I missed anything important. With that said, let’s use some actual truth and logic to endorse Screech’s induction.

1) He didn’t follow the panel’s weight loss plan, nor did he ever plan to.

In other words, he was just paying lip service to the show.

In the very first episode, Screech said he wanted to find a way to “eat crap and be healthy.” As Dr. Ian explained in the final episode, the kinds of food Screech eats are very unhealthy because of trans fats, hydrogenated oils, and other things besides normal fat and calories, which are good at a modest amount.

Throughout the season, Screech kept eating his crap. In episode 3, we saw him order deep-fried calamari and a steak with plenty of diet-killing toppings. In episode 5, we saw his girlfriend give him a ginormous hamburger. That same episode, Screech ate a doughnut just before the weigh-in, greatly angering Maureen. Even as Screech rather correctly brought up Mo’s vodka shots at Fit Camp, she achieved her season goal while he gained five pounds! Obviously, the doughnut and vodka didn’t make all that much of a difference.

At the penultimate weigh-in, Screech lost the five pounds he gained two weigh-ins prior. However, Screech did this by taking Zantrex-3, an unregulated herbal fat-burning supplement. Not only did Screech cheat by not losing weight the correct way, he used something potentially dangerous.

In the final episode, Screech did lose a staggering 13 lbs. However, he was still on the Zantrex-3 and using saunas at an unhealthy rate instead of working out, which is healthy. Despite getting called out with all of his unfit methods, Screech thought about writing his own weight-loss book.

He also obviously thought that those 13 lbs., no matter how unhealthily they were lost, would carry his team to victory. ANT awesomely stole his thunder by articulating the other teammates’ weight losses and how those three alone carried the team to victory.

2) He made enemies out of his fellow Fit Clubbers, especially Kim, Cledus, and Da Brat.

Let’s start this with the one he antagonized the most: Kimberley Locke. In the first episode, Screech challenged Kim’s “pizza junkie” comment, claiming no one can be addicted to food.

In the second episode, he eavesdropped on Kim’s private interview, where she said that no one cared about Screech’s sex tape. Then he conducted his own interview where he said Kim would “always be a big girl.” He also called her a “loser on another show.” Kim responded when she saw the interview in episode 3, yet he kept firm with his “loser on another show” comment.

The crux of the rivalry came in episode 5. At a pornography convention to peddle his sex tape, he talked about making sex toys based on his own you-know-what. Then he said, “I might give one to Kim, because she needs it.” This upset Kim enough to send her out of the room crying.

His relationships with Cledus T. Judd and Da Brat were no better. In the episode 2 interview, Screech teased Cledus’ supermarket fears and Brat’s “gangsta” life. In the final episode, he acted out a fake conversation further mocking Cledus and Brat, going so far as to make fun of Cledus missing his daughter.

Why did he do this to them? Well, Brat did say that she didn’t like Screech. With his behavior the day before, she had good reason to not like him. Cledus did even less to warrant his treatment in the interview. True, he did consider beating Screech up, saying he’d gladly take prison time just to see Screech hurting, but that was after the interview. Plus, when anyone says they’ll proudly go to jail for beating someone up, that someone must have really ticked that anyone off.

What about the other four? Well, during Screech’s episode 5 reign of terror, he made a joke about laughing at retarded people falling. Maureen McCormick, who had to put her mentally disabled brother in a home, was very offended by this joke. She was also upset with her teammate clearly not following the diet and hurting her chances of winning. Same with Tiffany, who also became his teammate. She had to leave entirely during episode 5 thanks to Screech’s tirade. The two became even more upset with Screech when he quit the BMX race and the final Fit Camp.

Warren G just tried to ignore Screech for the most part. However, during episode 7, he got the most visibly angry with Screech for taking Zantrex-3, rightly calling the pill-popping “cheating.”

Finally, we have Ross Mathews. He deserves a medal just for being the only Fit Clubber to be Screech’s teammate throughout the entire show. Ross even tried his best to talk sense into Screech at the most turbulent times. However, in his Tonight Show blog, Ross was glad to stop pretending to like Screech. Can you blame him?