Marred by America

No, the title of this article isn't a typo; it's a more accurate description of the show itself. There were many things that made Married by America a risky undertaking and more than a few things that made it a less than perfect show. But it takes more than just being a bad TV show to qualify an entire television series for enrollment in the Reality TV Hall of Shame. Let's look at what made Married By America a truly shameful exercise in reality television.

From the very earliest teaser ads for this show Fox promised us that couples would be "Married by America." After all, why give the show that name if it isn't what's going to happen? Once the series actually began we were told ad nauseum that these couples were committed to marry at series end and that one of the couples would win a healthy nest-egg with which to begin their future. We dutifully called in our votes as to which person seemed the best match for the chosen "contestants" and watched each of the five men propose to their intendeds. There was some irritation amongst viewers as we learned that of the five potential suitors for each contestant, we would only get to choose between two. Family members and friends eliminated three of them through interviews we were not allowed to see and brief question-and-answer sessions in front of an audience. In some cases, this added some spice to the proceedings, so most viewers forgave this minor ripple in the premise of the show.

The couples are finally set and they are whisked away to their new "homes." Here they will basically play house and each week a couple will be eliminated - but not by America. Oh no. They are eliminated through the decisions of "relationship experts." How much of an expert does one have to be though to grill a couple that has only known one another for a few days about their sex life?

Like a train wreck that one simply couldn't tear one's eyes away from, we observed these relationships endure strain and stress from all sides. We watched the parents get involved to a ridiculous extent - in one case a girl's father all but throws the fiancé out because the man used terms of endearment instead of addressing his intended by name. We sit as a beautiful young lady is completely rejected by her future lifetime mate and ends up so confused that she sobs into her pillow and asks him if she needs to drop 30 pounds in order to be attractive to him. For the record, this young lady is absolutely stunning as she is. Also for the record, the man she is with has problems of his own that are never fairly addressed. He was the main reason the two never had sex, but there may be extenuating circumstances. Think about it guys. Would you have sex with a gorgeous woman you hardly know? Okay, for a lot of you it's no problem at all (and for at least one other male participant, it certainly wasn't). BUT! How about if you knew that there was a camera taping your every single move for broadcast to a national audience including your mom and dad? That changes things doesn't it? Now add in the whole commitment and marriage angle. Hmmm… not such a sweet deal now, is it? But wait there's more! You get to sit in front of experts each week who stop just short of questioning your sexuality in front of the aforementioned national audience.

Now some might wonder why I'm not mentioning the names of the individuals on this series. It's because I truly believe these people have suffered enough embarrassment during the run of this series and the most fortunate couples were the ones eliminated early, for their trauma was minimalized. In the above cases, a father came across as a complete dictator - which maybe he brought on himself - a beautiful young lady got her self esteem crushed to bits, and a strapping and athletic man was made to look like a sexually confused fool. This doesn't even begin to mention the French maid costumes and schoolgirl outfits that were provided to the couples to spice things up for the horny masses to view.

Meanwhile, time ceases to make any sense as the host frequently says things like, "We're over three weeks into this and…" while the graphic at the bottom of the screen reads, "Day 17."

But all of this is just to lead up to the big finale which, one would assume, would be an actual marriage in which America has a say! Don't count on it. In the preview of the finale that is shown during the second to last episode, we are shown clips of chaos at the weddings. This causes a stir of controversy because we've just been asked to vote for the "winning" couple. If America decides by voting which of the two remaining couples will get married, how can they have footage of the wedding when the votes aren't in yet? Did the weddings already take place? What about the voting? Does this mean both get married but only one wins the prizes? Sadly, these questions are never fully answered and we're left to speculate about it all.

It comes down to two couples. One of the couples is so obviously enamored of one another that it looks like they might have an actual chance to make it together. The other is in obvious trouble. Couple number one, which could easily be dubbed "the brunettes," appear to have real affection. There are major issues beyond the lunacy of the entire televised courtship. He is from a conservative family and she once posed for Playboy and openly admits she'd do it again under the right circumstances. He is a former athlete who cannot decide on a lifetime career now that he's hung up the cleats. After weeks of promises that they have indeed agreed to marry, the wedding day comes and his lack of a career causes his bride to be to back out and refuse to marry him.

Couple number two - "the blondes" - are struggling. The bride is a party girl who has some obvious insecurity issues. She's thrown every ounce of herself into loving this man in her life and is viewing the marriage itself as the thing that will fill all the voids and holes in her existence. All of her eggs are in one basket. The groom is obviously having fun with his bombshell party girl, but is also being very honest with her, telling her often that he doesn't love her. The only person surprised by his refusal to marry her at the altar is the bride. Well, and her friends. I think everyone else who has watched this show saw it coming a mile away. She is shattered. She runs away from the altar and into a closet to sob in private. Naturally the cameras follow her right in. For several minutes we watch this poor woman staring her greatest nightmare in the face. It's not just painful; it's cruel in the extreme. One can only guess the long-term psychological damage the young lady suffered as a result of this. This was no Big Brother eviction or a simple matter of getting voted off some obscure location by one's fellow tribemates.

For the viewers of the series, the fact that both couples were able to refuse to get married meant that the entire premise of the show was a lie. It meant that those who called the toll free number wasted their time. It meant that those who sent in votes via text messaging wasted both their time and their money. Believe it or not, the viewers got off easy.

For those stranded at the altar it was much worse. Once again, place yourself in their shoes. You have given your body, your heart, and your pledge of eternal union to another person. Then in front of millions of people on your wedding day, that person not only says they don't want to marry you, but in effect tells you, "I don't want to marry you even though it means I will get massive amounts of cash if I do! I won't even marry you for a half million bucks worth of prizes!" Rejection is too kind a word for that kind of insult.

The viewers lost hours of their lives to a promise that never was delivered. The contestants suffered though shame and embarrassment on levels that would devastate most people if it were to occur in private, let alone in front of millions of spectators. For a show filled with numerous potential Hall of Shame moments, the only truly fair thing to do is to induct the entire series itself and pray that nothing like this is ever attempted again. What could have been an interesting experiment in sociology instead turned into an emotional torture chamber for most of the people involved.

Mr. Barker is co-owner of Movie Boss (www.movieboss.com), a free online movie game, and author of "Zippers," a humor column that looks at mistakes in movies. He can be reached at BBarker@movieboss.com.

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