The Millionaire’s Wicked Wife – Donna Beavens from ‘The Real Gilligan’s Island’

The common perception that people have of millionaires and billionaires is that having lots and lots of money will automatically put you out of touch with the common man. Television programs have shown us many, many examples of this, from the whole cast of Arrested Development, to Mr. Burns on The Simpsons, to Mr. Howell on the original Gilligan’s Island series.

But, those are all just television shows. Many real millionaires are relatively down-to-earth people, like Mark Cuban or Sir Richard Branson. Unfortunately, there really are many real millionaires and billionaires out there whose real personalities are not that different from the made up characters of Mr. Burns or Mr. Howell.

Donna Beavens, who recently appeared on TBS’s reality show The Real Gilligan’s Island, is one of those millionaire types whose personality is not much different than the Wicked Witch of the West. She and her husband Bill went on the show as one of two real millionaire couples who were to compete against each other to become the one couple to stay on the island and in the game.

Right from the first moment we saw her, we could see that she was the ultimate rich bitch. She explains that she is proud of being a millionaire and is on the show just for the adventure (the couple is worth $3 million). Her husband adds that she doesn’t like Democrats or gays, and that if she meets one, the fireworks will fly.

And fly they did, because one of the people she had to work with, Professor Eric, is gay. Almost immediately, she started off on a harangue against gays and, specifically, Eric. As Eric explained to the group about the native fruits and berries on the island, Donna figured that he just wanted to be the center of attention and was proud of herself for figuring out he was gay right away.

Later, as everyone in the group was introducing themselves, Eric verified that he is gay and told about his wedding to his partner. She thought to herself (and shared with us), “Wow. I’m stranded on an island with a gay person.” She admitted that she’s got a bit of animosity towards gay people.

Next to introduce themselves were the competing millionaires. Glenn told of how he failed fourth grade and had a child in eighth grade. He said that his child turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to him, at least until he met his future wife. The couple is now worth over $500 million.

Donna and Bill were next. Donna said that they have two children of their own, so they have a real family. The backhanded insult was immediately recognized by the whole group – and every viewer as well.

Later that night, we found Donna, Eric, and Nicole Eggert having a spirited argument on the beach. It was tough for anyone else to get in a word edgewise as Donna just talked and talked and talked. When the others pointed this out, she gave them the evil eye and just talked louder. The rest of the castaways hung out in their huts, shook their heads, and watched the sparks fly.

The next day, the rival millionaires jokingly tried to buy the comfy pillows from Gilligan, but Donna had to butt into the discussion and call them crybabies. She went on to call them very flamboyant and bragging people and concluded that they have no class whatsoever. By this point, viewers just might have come to quite the opposite conclusion.

In the first competition of the show, the skipper of the rival team had an apparent heart attack. Donna’s team passed by the stricken team and continued onward to victory. Donna followed by crowing about what a great job her team did in catching up and passing a team with a man down.

As part of the reward for winning, the whole team received pictures from home. After viewing everyone’s pictures, Donna once again took the opportunity to tell us how gosh darn awful it is to have a gay person on the island with her. She said that she just couldn’t understand why gay people always have to tell everyone that they had sex with a man and stuff. Apparently, Mrs. Beavens was participating in a different discussion than anybody else.

As the stricken team returned and described the horror of seeing a teammate suffer what seemed to be a near fatal attack, they pointed out that he was even starting to turn blue. Donna butted in and pointed out that their team was turning blue from exhaustion as well and it was no big deal. She said, “If you fall down, you get right back up and if you can’t get up, you can’t get up.” The rest of the players were aghast that she’d compare her overworking herself to the skipper’s heart attack. She dug herself a little deeper by pointing out that their team was inconvenienced by having to stand around and wait while the other team got to sit down (while watching their skipper get treatment). Husband Bill Beavens chimed in and called the other team poor sports. Donna agreed that they were all just jealous. Maybe Donna and her husband deserve to be inducted together. Let’s call this his dishonorable mention.

Later that night, the castaways were bored and decided to have crab races. Donna backed the losing crab (you’d think she’d know her crabs) and, of course, insisted that the race be run again. The fallen skipper returned from the hospital for a brief visit before the second race and, as everyone rushed to greet him and tell him how happy they were that he was alright, Donna sat and sulked that she didn’t get a chance to race again. Sounds like the crab lost.

After that, each team was notified that they would have to defend their own professor in a challenge. That put Donna in a position where she had to struggle to save gay Eric. But before that, the other ladies on the island decided to dress up Eric in drag, since they wanted to have a little fun in case it was his last night. They rummaged through the trunks of clothes that each of the millionaires brought along. Among other things, they found a pretty pink boa.

Just then, Donna came storming into the hut (the temperature dropped 20 degrees) and had a hissy fit when she saw the ladies handling her boa. Apparently, it belongs to her daughter and she didn’t want it all ripped apart. After a tense discussion, millionaire Mindy produced a white boa from her trunk and said, “Don’t worry about it, girls, we can use this one. It’s prettier anyway.” Donna gave her the most evil eye ever in the history of reality TV. But the boa incident was over.

Or was it? Donna stormed out of the hut (raising the temperature by 20 degrees) and sat by the fire, fretting and fuming. After a while, she sent the remaining skipper into the hut to retrieve her boa. The ladies followed the skipper out of the hut to Donna and another argument erupted. Donna called everyone else a drama queen and noted, to the camera, that it was just like being in high school again.

Yes, I’ll bet it was.

Then, a few minutes later, we found Donna confronting Eric over the boa. Donna was now insisting that he wear it! But he was refusing to wear it because he might ruin it. Donna kept insisting and finally Eric agrees.

During the drag show, Donna told the camera that she very much disagrees with gays being able to flaunt themselves like that. Bill said that he was insulted that Eric wore his daughter’s boa and it made him sick. Apparently, Donna never got around to telling him about her insistence upon it.

And so the players retired to their respective huts. Glenn narrated a section where Donna couldn’t stop talking about the drag show. He said that she just went on and on and on. At one point she was complaining about people who want to have sex with snakes and dogs. “Not us normal people, of course,” she added. Everyone else in the hut just cocked their heads as if they didn’t quite hear her right. She concluded with the statement that they’ve proven that, if you are gay, there’s something really wrong with you.

Okay, whatever. So, it was the next day and time to save the professor. Donna insisted that, although they had their differences, she didn’t want their team to lose their professor (Eric). But to make a long story short, they did. Of course, Donna had to tell us that, if someone has to go, she was glad it was Eric.

But she made the most of the loss and told the other team that she wished they could have been as good sports about their loss as Donna’s team was being about their own. Her husband Bill showed a little backbone and told her that what she said wasn’t really nice. Donna nailed him right back by saying that he just stole away one of her awesome and genuine and nice moments. As he walked away, she called him immature. Yes, I typed that right.

The next day, as the castaways were standing around, Rachel produced a broomstick and everybody started laughing and insisting that it was an appropriate form of transportation for some nameless person – we all knew who they were talking about. Gilligan later said about her that she was like a bad case of hemorrhoids in that she just wouldn’t go away.

Later that day, the teams competed to save their own Mary Ann. Long story short, Donna’s team lost. Donna’s insisted that her team actually won. Nicole tried to put a good spin on it by saying that a small loss just means a bigger victory down the line. Donna agreed, because she said she was the only optimist around. Nicole got up and left, rather than press the issue. Donna kept yapping and yapping and eventually Gilligan Gooner left too. It was hard for anyone to be around her for more than five minutes.

Next up, Donna and Bill had face off against Glenn and Mindy. Before the competition, Donna was doing a lot of trash talking and seemed fairly confident. But anyone around her seemed to always find an excuse to get up and leave.

It started to rain and Mindy and Glenn luxuriated in the warm shower. Glenn hoped it would rain during the competition because then Donna would melt away – Mindy did a fine imitation of the Wicked Witch of the West, “I’m melting…”

Unfortunately, several of the castaways were almost literally starving to death. A few of the healthier members of the tribe scavenged some fruits from the nearby trees and offered to share them with the group. Rachel, who did the collecting, insisted that the starving members get a bigger share of the food.

Donna disagreed and thought that she should get first pick of the fruit. Rachel was shocked. “But these are your own teammates that need the food,” she said. Donna said that they do have some food, so she should then get what she wants. Later, the starving players ended up with the better food, but Donna was still yapping on and on. Gooner, who looked like a skeleton, handed Donna some of his food just to shut her up.

And so we finally arrived at the competition to see which team got to keep their millionaires (or, in the Beavens’ case, got to get rid of their millionaires). To once again make a long story short, Donna’s team lost a gross food type of challenge. Much to everyone’s relief, Donna and Bill were banished from the game – and from our TV sets.

In her closing comments, Donna insisted that Mindy had no class whatsoever. She said that eating all that nasty food was right up her alley. She said that, in her opinion, she and Bill were still the winners and sometimes the winners lose.

And with that, we ended the saga of one of the wickedest witches ever to appear on a reality show.

Donna Beavens was nasty, mean, bigoted, self-centered, hypocritical, childish, and pretty much just about any other negative description we could find. Nobody deserved to be stranded on an island with her. In fact, she deserves to be stranded on her own island. We can’t do that, but we can induct her into the Reality TV Hall of Shame.

Bill (bing@paxentertainment.com) is a reality fan from way back. His favorite reality show of all time is Cannonball Run 2001.

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