Defying Truth and Logic: Dustin “Screech” Diamond of Celebrity Fit Club: Men vs. Women

Dustin Diamond is no stranger to begging for attention. He played the same character (Samuel “Screech” Powers) throughout three related yet separate TV shows, beat up Ron “Horshack” Palillo on Celebrity Boxing, begged for money to save his house (which may or may not have been a hoax), and had a sex tape “leaked” on the Internet. Therefore, it should be no surprise that he agreed to participate on Celebrity Fit Club. What was more surprising (maybe) was just how badly Dustin attracted attention. So bad that I would only call him “Screech” because his persona on Fit Club was nothing but a ridiculous character.

I tried covering all of Screech’s transgressions episode by episode. I found it easier to just list each major shameful act and the major details. Please forgive me if I missed anything important. With that said, let’s use some actual truth and logic to endorse Screech’s induction.

1) He didn’t follow the panel’s weight loss plan, nor did he ever plan to.

In other words, he was just paying lip service to the show.

In the very first episode, Screech said he wanted to find a way to “eat crap and be healthy.” As Dr. Ian explained in the final episode, the kinds of food Screech eats are very unhealthy because of trans fats, hydrogenated oils, and other things besides normal fat and calories, which are good at a modest amount.

Throughout the season, Screech kept eating his crap. In episode 3, we saw him order deep-fried calamari and a steak with plenty of diet-killing toppings. In episode 5, we saw his girlfriend give him a ginormous hamburger. That same episode, Screech ate a doughnut just before the weigh-in, greatly angering Maureen. Even as Screech rather correctly brought up Mo’s vodka shots at Fit Camp, she achieved her season goal while he gained five pounds! Obviously, the doughnut and vodka didn’t make all that much of a difference.

At the penultimate weigh-in, Screech lost the five pounds he gained two weigh-ins prior. However, Screech did this by taking Zantrex-3, an unregulated herbal fat-burning supplement. Not only did Screech cheat by not losing weight the correct way, he used something potentially dangerous.

In the final episode, Screech did lose a staggering 13 lbs. However, he was still on the Zantrex-3 and using saunas at an unhealthy rate instead of working out, which is healthy. Despite getting called out with all of his unfit methods, Screech thought about writing his own weight-loss book.

He also obviously thought that those 13 lbs., no matter how unhealthily they were lost, would carry his team to victory. ANT awesomely stole his thunder by articulating the other teammates’ weight losses and how those three alone carried the team to victory.

2) He made enemies out of his fellow Fit Clubbers, especially Kim, Cledus, and Da Brat.

Let’s start this with the one he antagonized the most: Kimberley Locke. In the first episode, Screech challenged Kim’s “pizza junkie” comment, claiming no one can be addicted to food.

In the second episode, he eavesdropped on Kim’s private interview, where she said that no one cared about Screech’s sex tape. Then he conducted his own interview where he said Kim would “always be a big girl.” He also called her a “loser on another show.” Kim responded when she saw the interview in episode 3, yet he kept firm with his “loser on another show” comment.

The crux of the rivalry came in episode 5. At a pornography convention to peddle his sex tape, he talked about making sex toys based on his own you-know-what. Then he said, “I might give one to Kim, because she needs it.” This upset Kim enough to send her out of the room crying.

His relationships with Cledus T. Judd and Da Brat were no better. In the episode 2 interview, Screech teased Cledus’ supermarket fears and Brat’s “gangsta” life. In the final episode, he acted out a fake conversation further mocking Cledus and Brat, going so far as to make fun of Cledus missing his daughter.

Why did he do this to them? Well, Brat did say that she didn’t like Screech. With his behavior the day before, she had good reason to not like him. Cledus did even less to warrant his treatment in the interview. True, he did consider beating Screech up, saying he’d gladly take prison time just to see Screech hurting, but that was after the interview. Plus, when anyone says they’ll proudly go to jail for beating someone up, that someone must have really ticked that anyone off.

What about the other four? Well, during Screech’s episode 5 reign of terror, he made a joke about laughing at retarded people falling. Maureen McCormick, who had to put her mentally disabled brother in a home, was very offended by this joke. She was also upset with her teammate clearly not following the diet and hurting her chances of winning. Same with Tiffany, who also became his teammate. She had to leave entirely during episode 5 thanks to Screech’s tirade. The two became even more upset with Screech when he quit the BMX race and the final Fit Camp.

Warren G just tried to ignore Screech for the most part. However, during episode 7, he got the most visibly angry with Screech for taking Zantrex-3, rightly calling the pill-popping “cheating.”

Finally, we have Ross Mathews. He deserves a medal just for being the only Fit Clubber to be Screech’s teammate throughout the entire show. Ross even tried his best to talk sense into Screech at the most turbulent times. However, in his Tonight Show blog, Ross was glad to stop pretending to like Screech. Can you blame him?

3) He consistently challenged the panel and host.

Let’s start this section with Dr. Ian Smith. As explained in section 1, Screech flat-out refused to follow Ian’s diet plan. In the final episode, Screech did lose 13 lbs. Dr. Ian still said he lost a lesser percentage of his starting weight than anyone else. And even though it wasn’t mentioned, Screech still came the farthest from reaching his season goal. Which he complained about because it was “too skinny,” despite being one pound over the healthy weight range for Screech’s height. Still, Screech was proud for not becoming “a walking advertisement for [Dr. Ian’s] book.” However, Ian didn’t care whether Screech followed his plan or not, just as long as he followed a healthy diet.

What about Stacy Kaiser? In the first episode, Stacy advised Screech, using a very obvious gesture, to shut up. Screech contended that Stacy’s gesture didn’t say anything. Either he was oblivious to the gesture’s meaning or just plain ignoring it. My money’s on the latter.

He challenged ANT, the host, to physical combat following his elimination at the dance-off Fit Camp, claiming a BS call. I guess his “truth and logic” says that stopping to brush water off his shirt does not constitute stopping his dancing.

Later at the weigh-in, he reiterated his challenge to ANT. Then he said to Harvey, “If you agreed to physical combat, I’d fight you.” In other words, he was asking to fight a Marine drill sergeant. No matter how indirect he was trying to say it, he still said it, and it was still incredibly stupid. Harvey could probably send Screech to the hospital with one finger – his pinky. In episode 6, Harvey called the absent Screech “a waste of sperm.”

4) He was a hypocrite.

We know how much Screech disrespected his fellow cast members, the panel of experts, and even the host. However, if anyone called Screech out on his bad behavior, he’d just try to make them look like the bad guy.

This was no more evident than in episode 2. After talking nonstop about his sex tape, to the collective chagrin of the other seven celebs, Kim interviewed that no one was interested in what he was saying. Dustin overheard this interview, which was supposed to be private, and got all huffy about it. He has no qualms about annoying others, yet when they express their disinterest or disgust, it’s suddenly the end of the world.

Later that episode, Screech gave his infamous interview, which included the phrase “smack them all down.” In episode 3, when the other seven saw the interview, Cledus stated that he wanted to rough him up. Screech then said Cledus would go to jail if he did. In other words, it’s okay for him to threaten violence, yet illegal for others to do the same thing. He also threatened to call his lawyers when Cledus approached him during the final episode.

Remember the complaints over Dr. Ian taking away Screech’s accomplishment in the final episode? In episode 3’s Fit Camp, Kim beat Screech in a kayak race. What did Screech do? Say that a “big girl” needs to celebrate with “cake and Ho-Ho’s.” Sounds like he was trying to minimize Kim’s accomplishment.

5) He quit two Fit Camp challenges, and almost quit the show.

Quitting is quite possibly the cardinal sin of reality television. Of course, Screech is the cardinal sinner, so I’m not surprised that he gave up on two Fit Camp challenges and threatened to leave the show multiple times.

Let’s start with the Fit Camps. In episode 7, Screech returned to Fit Club only to complain about a supposed head cold. As expected, he finished last in his first heat. He didn’t even get into ready position until after the heat started, obviously waiting for the other men to start. Screech didn’t even finish the second heat, which wasn’t so surprising considering his attempts to quit before the heat started.

Things weren’t much better at the final Fit Camp. Before the events started, Screech even said, “I would rather eat a turd.” Despite this sentiment, he seemed to do well in the first three events, improving his initial scores. Yet when it came to the stair climb, he quit (different from “giving up,” as he put it) after just four flights, two less than day 1. He said he had shows in Boca, and he was sick for three weeks after the first Fit Camp’s stair climb. Funny, he didn’t seem sick at the initial weigh-in, just one day afterwards.

As for leaving the show altogether, there are four instances where this almost happened. The first was in episode 2, where he threatened to leave after overhearing Kim express her disinterest in Screech’s sex tape. Going along with his hypocrisy, he seemingly overreacted to a simple expression of non-positive opinion.

The second, and most memorable, attempt to quit was in episode 3. After claiming to be chewed out by the panel for not losing weight (when there were plenty of reasons to get chewed out), he removed his microphone and left the ceremony room. As he called for a ride out of there, the other celebs tried to convince Screech to stay. He did stay, but his reason was because he “didn’t have a ride.”

Finally, we have episode 6, where he didn’t even show up. He still got his precious airtime by rambling off some confusing and unintentionally hilarious faux-zen.

Frankly, I wish he would have just said, “Screw you, I’m outta here,” and stuck by it. He would most likely still be inducted because quitting any reality show without a good reason is probably the most shameful thing to do. Still, if there was enough time, a replacement could have been found (like Gunnar Nelson for Jeff Conaway), and the show’s integrity would have remained intact.

6) It was all for the cameras.

I have a hunch that everyone who watched this season of Celebrity Fit Club wondered if there was something truly wrong with Screech mentally. Anyone who shows this much hatred, hypocrisy, stupidity, immaturity, and self-loathing 24-7 could not possibly be healthy. In fact, I was hoping Screech’s problem was a mental illness. That way, we’d know that his behavior was not so controllable, and there would be hope for healing him.

Unfortunately, that appears to not be the case. We have heard other Fit Clubbers (mostly Da Brat) say how Screech is a very cool guy when the cameras are off. This was both on the show and off, most notably on Ellen. In fact, Screech was very helpful in the earlier Fit Camp challenges, especially in episode 4. His teammates wouldn’t help him at all during the Rocky Mountain challenge, yet he helped out. He was also more willing to compete in the earlier Fit Camps, as well as cheer on his teammates.

However, as he got more and more camera time, Screech just became more and more unlikable. Perhaps he time-traveled to the future, watched episode 4, saw just how little attention he got, and became that much more asshatty.

Sadly, it worked. Ever notice how much camera time Screech got per episode? This was especially apparent in the seventh episode. Cledus won the BMX Fit Camp challenge, yet the attention focused on Screech quitting the challenge and complaining about being sick. Later, Cledus achieved his season weight-loss goal and celebrated by jumping into the pool. Screech stayed behind and once again infringed on Cledus’ victory by complaining to the cameras about it. I almost forgot to mention the “Star of the Show” shirt.

Screech’s constant and desperate search for attention, no matter how negative, was basically the only reason anyone could think of for not inducting Screech. Those who agreed with this reason basically said, “All this will do is give him more of the attention that he wants, and I don’t want to give him anything that he wants.” As much as I don’t want to please Screech in any way, he must still be recognized for the loathsome character he was. Or as Harvey put it, “a waste of sperm.”

Another issue is VH1’s stake in his behavior. As bad as he acted, you have to think that VH1 enjoyed the possibility of huge ratings. Just look at Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Breaking Bonaduce, etc. VH1’s Celebreality line-up focuses a lot on the trainwreck lives of washed-up has-beens, and the ratings reports give them good reason to. Right now, this will be the extent of VH1’s placement in the Hall of Shame. However, I’ll definitely fight for an induction if they greenlight Screech’s own show, which would be just like giving a spoiled brat his own car for throwing a destructive tantrum in the family minivan.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. With so many reasons for, and very few against, it’s a surprise Screech wasn’t inducted sooner. It’s sort of ironic how he used to play an awkward, well-intentioned, kind, slightly annoying, yet undeniably likable character. Now he is a hypocritical, instigating, disrespectful, very annoying, and wholly unlikable shell of a man. He deserves nothing less than a kick in the pants, but all we can give him is a more than full induction into the Reality TV Hall of Shame. That’s truth and logic for you.

Tyler can be reached at tejayes@yahoo.com.